Rough time

  
I haven’t been feeling up to par this past 2 weeks so my postings have taken the back seat. All my energy has been pooled into just getting through the day with some shred of self respect and not having an outburst that I will regret later. 

It’s been up and down and when it’s down its been this simmering, combustible anger directed at everyone for any reason and I know it’s all me and not them. And my family bears the brunt of it and it makes me sick to my stomach.

Then I feel tearful and clingy and I just know everyone is conspiring against me. Everyone sees my flaws and hates me and I find it hard just to get out of bed. 

Then there are days like today where I get this sudden burst of antsy energy and I’m damn near bouncy. Colors are brighter and I can think a little clearer and I have to make a conscience effort not to talk as much as I want and slow down when I do. 

It’s a roller coaster at a theme park I didn’t buy a ticket for and I just want to get off the rides. But as they keep telling me, it will even out. It will get better. And in some ways it is. But when I get stopped dead in my tracks, trying for just a little traction, it’s frustrating as shit. 

So posts will be back soon. I just gotta get a handle on all this first. 

Happy Crafting All!

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When He Sleeps

 Basic beanie cap with coconut button made by me

I’m not entirely sure how to share with you the thoughts I have when I am cycling through the mess I do but I figure I’ll share some of the little projects and my own thoughts as well. Kinda free form poetry style. Which technically it might not even be since I haven’t taken a poetry class since high school. But the feelings are true enough even if the delivery is not.

It’s only when he sleeps
When the restlessness of his nature
Falls quiet and I feel the heaviness
Of his consciousness give way
Under the pressure of sheer exhaustion.
The stillness is almost eerie in the dark
As I watch shadows make monsters on the walls
And the hum of the humidifier roars,
a hungry vacuum in space.
He holds my arm steadfast,
a vise between arms and legs.
A quiet, relentless wish for me not to go.

I pull gently and the arm slips free,
Heat embedded deeply seeps
from the skin of my shoulder.
My duty is done and the curtain falls
on final act of the day’s motherhood.
Guilt whispers thickly in my ear
as the weight of my own distress
blooms heavily in tight space
around my heart.

It’s in these small moments
Before my own inevitable fatigue
Draws me to a close
That I allow the shroud of normalcy to fail.
I am fragile with emotional immaturity.
No better than a child myself.
Who am I to mother and comfort?
Who I am at all?

Chain 1, Bipolar Too

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When I started this blog, I mentioned that I was going through some turbulent times. Issues with work, issues at home, issues…everywhere.  One might even say that I didn’t have issues, I had subscriptions (ba dum bum tssh!). Still, in all this time absolutely nothing has changed.

I’ve spent a lot of energy pushing down all that has been going on in my personal health and it’s landed me in a world of hurt. I have been grasping at straws trying to keep myself balanced and when I first started looking for something to help keep me grounded I reached out for knitting. Surprisingly enough it helped. Now, yet again on the other side of a bad spell knitting or crochet has been the constant that has helped see me through. It sounds weird, I know.

Without getting into too much detail, I am Bipolar.

Just writing it leaves me feeling so vulnerable and exposed. It’s like coming out of a closet of sorts. There’s a stigma that goes along with mental illness and it took me a long time to recognize it as just that…an illness. One that requires treatment and a lot of work to get by. Funny enough that I chose needle crafts as part of mine because I came across this article on crochetconcupiscence.com not long ago:

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Crochet Helps with 3 Phases of Bipolar Disorder: Depression, Hypomania, Mania
August 8, 2012Crochet Health

Bipolar disorder is a condition that is characterized most specifically by wild mood swings (although there are variations in bipolar types). Periods of intense depression are followed by periods of intense euphoria or mania. There are people who use crochet to help them deal with both the depression and the mania of the condition. Crochet can also be used during a state called hypomania, which is a transitory period between “normal” and manic. Most importantly, crochet can be used to help moderate moods, which is a major goal of bipolar treatment…

  • Crochet is a positive activity that stops the cycle of rumination that can cause depression to spiral out of control.
  • Crochet has the potential to build self-esteem. Low self-esteem is a major problem for people with depressive disorders.
  • Crochet can create a sense of connection to others, which is critical to the successful treatment of depression.

READ MORE…

Well shut my mouth wide open! I wasn’t completely in left field after all! I’m pretty sure the same could be said for knitting but I find it amusing that I tend to crochet more than knit these days as apparently there is a reason why. The reason I bothered getting a tad more personal with you all now is this.

When I was hospitalized, crochet was the one thing that kept me going day to day. Since I tend to be introverted, other ladies in similar situations and I started bonding over the hats I was making. Pretty soon another girl started crocheting. Then another. It wasn’t long before there were four of us huddled together and the tension in the room started going down and it became a little easier to smile and sleep at night. I think that says something. I think that if sharing a craft as simple as crochet made a difference with anyone of them like it did with me, it’s worth it. Then it’s not just a hobby is it? It’s a life line.

So thank you all for being open to my story. I’ll be sharing a little more openly going forward. The title of my blog is, after all, The Knitting Neurotic. Gotta make good on the neurotic side and make sure you’re getting your money’s worth.